Inspired by a thread on Sonlight a couple of years ago, I decided our family should have a "Code of Conduct." ML & I talked through what we might include, I made up a draft, and he, of course, took it, reformatted it, changed all the graphics, and made it look 100% better. Cause that's what he does. He even put the K family crest that he'd found when researching genealogy a few years ago in the center. Very stately.
You'll just have to take my word for it, though, because Blogger does not like .tif files, apparently, and ML's not home right now to show me how to make it into a .jpg (read: make me move out of my chair and do it for me). However, I'll list the items on the Code of Conduct for you, because you weren't likely to be able to read them on the tiny photo attachment, anyway.
Obey God, your parents, and other adults in charge...Quickly, Cheerfully and Completely.
Honor one another with your...Words, Actions and Attitudes.
Listen carefully.
Rule your spirit.
Work diligently.
Help and encourage one another.
Think and do what is right.
Talk to the offender, then to an adult.
Ask your family for hugs.
Don't speak to strange giraffes.
Be thankful.
Don't roller skate in a buffalo herd.
The first two are the rules emphasized by the preschool and children's divisions at our home church, respectively. They, in and of themselves, pretty much cover everything, but we had a few specifics we wanted to add in. They're the things that we find ourselves saying over and over again throughout the day.
Theoretically, we would refer back to the Code of Conduct and even ask the child which one they're violating when they get in trouble. We're not so good at that, although it does hang on our refrigerator.
I am planning to print a copy on nice paper and have it framed to hang in a prominent, central place (the kitchen is actually kind of out of the "flow"), so that we can refer to it more regularly.
Bet you're wondering about the last one and the third from the last. Those were my mother's generic advice statements to us as we would leave the house when my brother and I were teenagers. Basically, it meant: you know what to do and what not to do, just remember to choose the right ones. It sure beat getting lectured repeatedly on the same things. And my kids love it when I similarly admonish them.
Showing posts with label Behavior. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Behavior. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Full disclosure
Anyone remember a while back when I wrote about the elaborate behavior system we were using with the older three kids?
Well, um, we chunked it. Actually, it was a little tapered, a little chunked, but it's gone. I figured, since I'd had a decent amount of interest in it, in all fairness, I needed to report that.
And part of its demise was related to that talk we heard this summer, the one I mentioned a post or two ago by the two young ladies regarding parenting, based on how they were parented, etc. Wanna know what #1 was? "Spank your children."* Seriously, they said it was the most significant part of their upbringing and in the upbringings of the kids they babysit and went to school with.
Now, this was to a crowd of people who'd all had plenty of teaching on "how." This was just a reminder "to." And "how" includes not in anger, with reconciliation, and a host of other things. But it was significant enough for them to put it as #1.
We'd already been tapering the whole elaborate system, but that kind of put the final nail in the coffin. We needed a lot more immediate consequences, so we announced that spankings were back (not that they completely went away, just that they had seriously declined). And, just to clarify, spankings at our house are usually swats on the back of the hand or the palm. Only in severe circumstances (lying, mostly, but repeated disobedience, as well) do we spank on the bottom. That's just how we've shaped our discipline system.
And you know what? Life's been a lot more peaceful (I said "more peaceful," not "peaceful;" you take what you can get). And that includes my own heart. One of my famous sayings with my kids is, "No, I'm not going to get angry [a little self-talk there]. I'm just going to give you spankings." Consequences, reconciliation, and move on. It works wonders for my stress level.
Basically, boundaries are firmer, obedience is up. I think it's working for us.
There. I said it. Now, you all know I'm not nearly as erudite as previous posts might have suggested. But we're going with what we feel led to do, and I guess that's more important than my esteem in the eyes of the internet world. :-P
And, just to balance the heaviness, I'll share a fun incentive system we used this summer when we were traveling: each older child got a mini package of Skittles per day (12-15 Skittles included). For each act of disobedience, they gave up a Skittle. At the end of the day (which turned into the next morning, because we were having some bedtime issues), they got to eat what was left. The best part? Guess who got the Skittles they gave up?
*Caveat: If you have anger or past abuse issues that prevent you from being able to safely (whether that be physical or emotional safety) spank your children, or even if you're just flat opposed to it, please hear me: I'm not saying that your children are not going to turn out. I think any child given firm boundaries and a lot of love is going to be fine (okay, I'm not promising that they're not going to make sin choices, not promising that about my own children, either, but I just don't want this to come across as a formula; just our choice for our family at this point).
Well, um, we chunked it. Actually, it was a little tapered, a little chunked, but it's gone. I figured, since I'd had a decent amount of interest in it, in all fairness, I needed to report that.
And part of its demise was related to that talk we heard this summer, the one I mentioned a post or two ago by the two young ladies regarding parenting, based on how they were parented, etc. Wanna know what #1 was? "Spank your children."* Seriously, they said it was the most significant part of their upbringing and in the upbringings of the kids they babysit and went to school with.
Now, this was to a crowd of people who'd all had plenty of teaching on "how." This was just a reminder "to." And "how" includes not in anger, with reconciliation, and a host of other things. But it was significant enough for them to put it as #1.
We'd already been tapering the whole elaborate system, but that kind of put the final nail in the coffin. We needed a lot more immediate consequences, so we announced that spankings were back (not that they completely went away, just that they had seriously declined). And, just to clarify, spankings at our house are usually swats on the back of the hand or the palm. Only in severe circumstances (lying, mostly, but repeated disobedience, as well) do we spank on the bottom. That's just how we've shaped our discipline system.
And you know what? Life's been a lot more peaceful (I said "more peaceful," not "peaceful;" you take what you can get). And that includes my own heart. One of my famous sayings with my kids is, "No, I'm not going to get angry [a little self-talk there]. I'm just going to give you spankings." Consequences, reconciliation, and move on. It works wonders for my stress level.
Basically, boundaries are firmer, obedience is up. I think it's working for us.
There. I said it. Now, you all know I'm not nearly as erudite as previous posts might have suggested. But we're going with what we feel led to do, and I guess that's more important than my esteem in the eyes of the internet world. :-P
And, just to balance the heaviness, I'll share a fun incentive system we used this summer when we were traveling: each older child got a mini package of Skittles per day (12-15 Skittles included). For each act of disobedience, they gave up a Skittle. At the end of the day (which turned into the next morning, because we were having some bedtime issues), they got to eat what was left. The best part? Guess who got the Skittles they gave up?
*Caveat: If you have anger or past abuse issues that prevent you from being able to safely (whether that be physical or emotional safety) spank your children, or even if you're just flat opposed to it, please hear me: I'm not saying that your children are not going to turn out. I think any child given firm boundaries and a lot of love is going to be fine (okay, I'm not promising that they're not going to make sin choices, not promising that about my own children, either, but I just don't want this to come across as a formula; just our choice for our family at this point).
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Token's Universe
Blog posts two days in a row! Don't faint or anything, okay? GfG made me do it (see yesterday's comments :-).
Inspired by the news that friends with kids similar ages had a token system that regulated their entertainment time, ML and I decided that such a system was probably just the thing we needed to use to motivate MS.
MS has approximately 70 tokens each week (poker chips that my mom bought for me at the dollar store, I think; they were going to be math manipulatives, but we have plenty of other counters, so we re-tasked them). Each token is worth 5 minutes of computer or Wii time on the weekend (during the week, only educational play is allowed on either of the above) or 5 kirsch (roughly 7 cents), although he has yet to choose the cash.
During the week, he might lose a token for not staying on task (either with schoolwork or with Family Responsibilities), for speaking rudely to a sibling, for not obeying quickly, or for looking at the list of iTunes episodes on the kids' computer, instead of picking up his room (to use a [purely hypothetical, of course] example). He might gain tokens for diligently working through a job or assignment, running an errand, or for packing up breakfast to-go for his toddler brother who slept in after a rough night (yeah, that's a hypothetical example, too).
The tokens given, though, stop if there is ever the expectation of receiving them. They are purely a blessing on top of the joy of serving family (well, that's our goal, at least, and I will have to say, he's doing pretty good these days at reaching it).
Tokens are brought to the parent who has asked for them so as to keep the system on the up and up (as opposed to transfered by MS himself, which might be a temptation to "fudge").
He has three colors of tokens. White ones go first, then, hm, I'm not sure, whichever one he decides is next, and then the other one. This helps him gauge his week and be aware of how many tokens he's burning through.
Some weeks, he earns very little or no time on the Wii or computer. He has had up to three hours on a good week, but I don't think that has happened more than once, and when it did, it was definitely earned.
In the process, MS has learned to budget his entertainment time and has become very selective as to what he plays when he's earned it. We're pleased that this skill has been a benefit of the system.
Oh, and arguing, rather than respectfully asking to challenge the loss of a token just adds another token (and another and another and another, in some cases).
Inspired by the news that friends with kids similar ages had a token system that regulated their entertainment time, ML and I decided that such a system was probably just the thing we needed to use to motivate MS.
MS has approximately 70 tokens each week (poker chips that my mom bought for me at the dollar store, I think; they were going to be math manipulatives, but we have plenty of other counters, so we re-tasked them). Each token is worth 5 minutes of computer or Wii time on the weekend (during the week, only educational play is allowed on either of the above) or 5 kirsch (roughly 7 cents), although he has yet to choose the cash.
During the week, he might lose a token for not staying on task (either with schoolwork or with Family Responsibilities), for speaking rudely to a sibling, for not obeying quickly, or for looking at the list of iTunes episodes on the kids' computer, instead of picking up his room (to use a [purely hypothetical, of course] example). He might gain tokens for diligently working through a job or assignment, running an errand, or for packing up breakfast to-go for his toddler brother who slept in after a rough night (yeah, that's a hypothetical example, too).
The tokens given, though, stop if there is ever the expectation of receiving them. They are purely a blessing on top of the joy of serving family (well, that's our goal, at least, and I will have to say, he's doing pretty good these days at reaching it).
Tokens are brought to the parent who has asked for them so as to keep the system on the up and up (as opposed to transfered by MS himself, which might be a temptation to "fudge").
He has three colors of tokens. White ones go first, then, hm, I'm not sure, whichever one he decides is next, and then the other one. This helps him gauge his week and be aware of how many tokens he's burning through.
Some weeks, he earns very little or no time on the Wii or computer. He has had up to three hours on a good week, but I don't think that has happened more than once, and when it did, it was definitely earned.
In the process, MS has learned to budget his entertainment time and has become very selective as to what he plays when he's earned it. We're pleased that this skill has been a benefit of the system.
Oh, and arguing, rather than respectfully asking to challenge the loss of a token just adds another token (and another and another and another, in some cases).
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Of Tokens and Beans
Long time, no blog. I know, I know. Life gets in the way.
We have a behavior/discipline system that we've been using (with some modifications along the way) since early February. Now that we've gotten most of the kinks worked out, it's going pretty smoothly, so I thought I'd share. Nothing works forever for any child, so I'm sure we'll move on/modify it eventually, but I'm happy with it for now.
If you were a fly on the wall in our house, you would often hear "JW, move a bean. You're not working diligently," or "MS, bring me a token. I asked you not to do that," (and I would be checking the windows to see who had left one open and let you in). Not quite as often, you might hear, "Thank you for getting bread for me at the store, here's a token," or "Way to clean that up quickly! Go move a bean back the other direction."
MA and JW each have a little bowl (well, actually a Baskin Robbins baseball cap ice cream sundae cup) with beans in them. JW has 20 total, and they have green Sharpie dots on them. MA has 25 with red dots (well, they used to have red dots on them; many of them are worn off now; if it doesn't have a green dot, it's MA's).
For each infraction throughout the day, such as playing when they have a responsibility to take care of, they must move a bean to another bowl (JW) or bring a bean to me (MA). And for each time, they're "caught" obeying well, working diligently, doing an act of kindness or are asked to do something above and beyond their normal responsibilities, they are given back a bean or told to move one back the other direction.
In the morning, after breakfast, JW and MA "mark their goal charts." These are 100's charts with their names at the bottom. For every bean left in the baseball cap bowl, they get to mark off one number. When they get to 100, they get a new book (yes, those are big treats in our house; thank goodness for English language bookstores that carry children's books!). Since February, JW has earned 4-5 and MA 2-3 (she's a little more obedience-challenged at this point :-/).
So, that's the good part. But what if they're having a bad day? You'd be surprised how a 6.75yo and a 5yo can burn through 25 and 20 beans, respectively. It doesn't happen that often (no more than once every 2 weeks, at the most), but when it does, they're done for the day.* On their beds. With books (I'm a softy). They can join us for dinner, but they return to their beds as soon as they're done until it's time to get ready to go to sleep. No more playing. No videos (even when everyone else is watching one; I'm not that soft). The day is over.
Why that?
Well, it breaks their cycle of disobedience by removing them from any possible way in which they could disobey (okay, yeah, I have relatively compliant kids; they have yet to refuse to go to their beds, but I also only instituted this with kids I knew were at the point where that was not an issue; that type of training came earlier and differently). Also, being sent to their beds "releases" them from a rough day, too. It's actually more peaceful for the child when they're struggling so hard and not finding much success.
And, well, um, it means I'm through with them for the day, too. Oh, that sounds awful. But do you know how much easier it is to get through a difficult day with a child when you know that, at some point, very soon, if it's a really bad day, there will be no more conflict? It's incredibly freeing. It helps your attitude with them immensely. It stretches your patience to make it last longer. It's really the best thing for everyone involved.
When I shared this system with an on-line friend, she said, "We just might have to try that. Although with the way things are going, they'll be on their beds by noon." She was joking, but we had that happen a couple of times when we used this system with MS when he was about 5. And he had 100 coins (they've since phased out the smallest coin here, which is why we used beans this go-round).
So far, all three of our olders have reached a point around this age where they're disobeying constantly. Although we do spank for major offenses, there was just no way it was even physically possible for me to discipline them that many times in a day and get anything done/take care of their siblings. Plus, they really needed a concrete, tangible (which is redundant, I know; I'm trying to make a point) way to see how many, many times a day they were disobeying. They also definitely needed some incentive to obey and some reward when they did.
Something I've seen with MA, specifically, too, is that having to stop her disobedience to bring me a bean.each.and.every.time. helps drive home the message that she's disobeying and that it needs to change.
And, oh, how they beam when they earn a bean/get to move one the other direction. I was not as good at that part at first, but am getting better, and it's really a positive for them.
To give credit where credit is due, this system is a conglomeration of some different ideas I'd read on the Sonlight discussion boards and something Lisa Whelchel talked about in her book Creative Correction, I think. I took concepts from several systems and meshed them into something that would work for our family.
For anyone worried about the choking hazard of dried beans (they're navy beans, in case you were wondering, which are not navy, in case you were wondering that, too), the bowls are all above the reach of ZL, who is thankfully past the major oral phase, anyway.
Okay, I said tokens and beans, but I'm holding this to beans, instead. I'll talk about the token system we use with MS another time. It has its similarities, but it's enough different that it would take another several paragraphs to explain, and it's time for Rest Time to be over and for us to get on with our afternoon. :-)
*Exception: if they're not done with their Family Responsibilities for the day, they have to finish those first, but I usually shadow them at that point to keep them on task and make sure they finish as quickly as possible with no opportunities to get into mischief.
We have a behavior/discipline system that we've been using (with some modifications along the way) since early February. Now that we've gotten most of the kinks worked out, it's going pretty smoothly, so I thought I'd share. Nothing works forever for any child, so I'm sure we'll move on/modify it eventually, but I'm happy with it for now.
If you were a fly on the wall in our house, you would often hear "JW, move a bean. You're not working diligently," or "MS, bring me a token. I asked you not to do that," (and I would be checking the windows to see who had left one open and let you in). Not quite as often, you might hear, "Thank you for getting bread for me at the store, here's a token," or "Way to clean that up quickly! Go move a bean back the other direction."
MA and JW each have a little bowl (well, actually a Baskin Robbins baseball cap ice cream sundae cup) with beans in them. JW has 20 total, and they have green Sharpie dots on them. MA has 25 with red dots (well, they used to have red dots on them; many of them are worn off now; if it doesn't have a green dot, it's MA's).
For each infraction throughout the day, such as playing when they have a responsibility to take care of, they must move a bean to another bowl (JW) or bring a bean to me (MA). And for each time, they're "caught" obeying well, working diligently, doing an act of kindness or are asked to do something above and beyond their normal responsibilities, they are given back a bean or told to move one back the other direction.
In the morning, after breakfast, JW and MA "mark their goal charts." These are 100's charts with their names at the bottom. For every bean left in the baseball cap bowl, they get to mark off one number. When they get to 100, they get a new book (yes, those are big treats in our house; thank goodness for English language bookstores that carry children's books!). Since February, JW has earned 4-5 and MA 2-3 (she's a little more obedience-challenged at this point :-/).
So, that's the good part. But what if they're having a bad day? You'd be surprised how a 6.75yo and a 5yo can burn through 25 and 20 beans, respectively. It doesn't happen that often (no more than once every 2 weeks, at the most), but when it does, they're done for the day.* On their beds. With books (I'm a softy). They can join us for dinner, but they return to their beds as soon as they're done until it's time to get ready to go to sleep. No more playing. No videos (even when everyone else is watching one; I'm not that soft). The day is over.
Why that?
Well, it breaks their cycle of disobedience by removing them from any possible way in which they could disobey (okay, yeah, I have relatively compliant kids; they have yet to refuse to go to their beds, but I also only instituted this with kids I knew were at the point where that was not an issue; that type of training came earlier and differently). Also, being sent to their beds "releases" them from a rough day, too. It's actually more peaceful for the child when they're struggling so hard and not finding much success.
And, well, um, it means I'm through with them for the day, too. Oh, that sounds awful. But do you know how much easier it is to get through a difficult day with a child when you know that, at some point, very soon, if it's a really bad day, there will be no more conflict? It's incredibly freeing. It helps your attitude with them immensely. It stretches your patience to make it last longer. It's really the best thing for everyone involved.
When I shared this system with an on-line friend, she said, "We just might have to try that. Although with the way things are going, they'll be on their beds by noon." She was joking, but we had that happen a couple of times when we used this system with MS when he was about 5. And he had 100 coins (they've since phased out the smallest coin here, which is why we used beans this go-round).
So far, all three of our olders have reached a point around this age where they're disobeying constantly. Although we do spank for major offenses, there was just no way it was even physically possible for me to discipline them that many times in a day and get anything done/take care of their siblings. Plus, they really needed a concrete, tangible (which is redundant, I know; I'm trying to make a point) way to see how many, many times a day they were disobeying. They also definitely needed some incentive to obey and some reward when they did.
Something I've seen with MA, specifically, too, is that having to stop her disobedience to bring me a bean.each.and.every.time. helps drive home the message that she's disobeying and that it needs to change.
And, oh, how they beam when they earn a bean/get to move one the other direction. I was not as good at that part at first, but am getting better, and it's really a positive for them.
To give credit where credit is due, this system is a conglomeration of some different ideas I'd read on the Sonlight discussion boards and something Lisa Whelchel talked about in her book Creative Correction, I think. I took concepts from several systems and meshed them into something that would work for our family.
For anyone worried about the choking hazard of dried beans (they're navy beans, in case you were wondering, which are not navy, in case you were wondering that, too), the bowls are all above the reach of ZL, who is thankfully past the major oral phase, anyway.
Okay, I said tokens and beans, but I'm holding this to beans, instead. I'll talk about the token system we use with MS another time. It has its similarities, but it's enough different that it would take another several paragraphs to explain, and it's time for Rest Time to be over and for us to get on with our afternoon. :-)
*Exception: if they're not done with their Family Responsibilities for the day, they have to finish those first, but I usually shadow them at that point to keep them on task and make sure they finish as quickly as possible with no opportunities to get into mischief.
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